Our story: ‘Ol Timmy Tebow, America’s favorite child and quarterback and heartthrob, has reportedly been been approached by ABC about appearing on “The Bachelor.” The Denver Broncos quarterback ignited the nation this past season as he transformed from a gator-wrastlin’ Southerner to the charming face of the NFL, leading the Broncos to the playoffs in the process. Tebow announced on Twitter that he would not be appearing on the show, but of course that won’t stop the blogs from wetting their fingertips and doing a little dance on the keyboard (and, no, this doesn’t count as that, in case you’re one of them cynical fools). It’s probably for the best Tebow has decided (for now) to focus on football. I think America would have melted had he chose door No. 2. But even though he’s on “The Bachelor” bench, we gotta give him a song. The thought of hopelessly desperate lassies exchanging googly eyes with Tebow over a date-night game of Go Fish, praying to be The One, is just too … damn … good.
Our song: For everyone who hopes Tebow one day gets off that bench and into the starting lineup, we present to you Mr. John Fogerty, performing “Centerfield.” (Note: I should also take a moment to apologize to Mr. John Fogerty. For I imagine his expression would be some variation of these if he had been notified on the day he penned this song — a song so often used to break the silence on warm summer days at local Little League fields — that it would one day be used as a campaign metaphor involving a football player and an insufferable display of America’s moral erosion. Fogerty probably would have dropped to a knee and Tebowed.)
Key lyric: “We’re born again, there’s new grass on the field. A-roundin’ third, and headed for home, it’s a brown-eyed handsome man; Anyone can understand the way I feel. Oh, put me in, Coach — I’m ready to play…”